Thursday, January 3, 2013

Twenty-hurt-een


"Fiscal cliff? I thought we were watching Thelma and Louise on Imax."

Well it's a new year, we've survived another apocalypse and already crashed over the fiscal cliff and yet things seem eerily fine for post-apocalypse wasteland. Oh wait, Obama managed to make a deal with Speaker of the house and leading Republican spray tan addict John Boehner. It seems like the whole time Obama has been in power he's been just about to crash the American economy before he goes to the landlord and asks for a little more time. Mitt Romney already failed (at great expense) the greatest ever eviction of a black family from their home, so I have a feeling Obama will roll with the punches and get the economy looking a little nicer.

In other news, racy details about a woman in India who was gang-raped on a bus (bangbus.com subscriptions likely plummeted this month) and beaten and then thrown off unceremoniously until she died has also been causing quite a stir. India has the greatest growing population in the world, I'm just hoping that the major statistical cause does not turn out to be 'forced sex by a group of men'. I'm sure the degenerate scum involved remind us all of that one indian guy in town, hitting on all the heavily intoxicated females and offering them dowry obtained from the closest Supre. For everyones sake, stop being such creepy sleazes and try and find a partner the traditional way. And by traditional way do NOT look to MTV shows for inspiration. Teen Mom and Jersey Shore are teaching you how NOT to do it.

So 2013, welcome. We're sure you'll be absolutely loaded with interesting tidbits and exciting changes. You're not off to a good start, though. Let's just hope you're a quick learner.

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