Wednesday, January 9, 2013

2029; The new 2012

'Yo momma so fat, that she causes cataclysmic and spontaneous extinction of humanity when she goes for a swim!'

We all heard the hype. We watched the cheaply structured 2012 and changed it's rating from thriller to comedy. Turns out there is a pretty massive lump of space rock out there, and it's probably coming back in 2029. But don't worry, the russians are going to stop it.

"We should pay several hundred million dollars and build a system that would allow us to prevent a collision, rather than sit and wait for it to happen and kill hundreds of thousands of people." - Russian head of the Roscosmos Space Intelligence (NASA, but russian flavoured)

So prevention is the best cure, as always. Before letting the asteroid impregnate the planet in a birth of fire and flame that would put Australia to shame, deflect it somehow. The clever money would say give 'Bad Vlad' Vladimir Putin some boxing gloves and teach it a lesson. I reckon the asteroid would take a fall first round, easy. 

From the country where its leader wrestles tigers and old women kill a wolf one on one with an axe, the bizarre is not only plausible, but basically built into them. As long as we avoid a collision, or Armageddon movie/soundtrack, and a speech from President Chelsea Clinton about birth control, we'll be jus- I DON'T WANNA CLOSE MY EYYYEESSS, I DON'T WANNA SLEEP CAUSE I MISS YOU BABE AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THIIIINNNNG

Monday, January 7, 2013

Phone bills are for the poor

If it looks like a woman, talks like a woman, then who's to say 'get in the kitchen, the sammiches won't make themselves'.

Trashy tabloid nonsense. Let's have a look at what's on the plate today. Justine Bieber has been calling Selena Gomez after breaking up, on excess of 100 times a day, prompting concern and-

Who the hell gives a shit?

Tabloid nonsense. Why are we so obsessed with these fucking teenagers who are barely old enough for sex let alone 'serious relationships'? If the kid wants to be a creepy little stalker and be the bane of everyone who wishes they could afford to waste that much credit phoning some bimbo then why should we care? This saturation of stupid news benefits noone. There are people dying, wars being fought, financial issues, and far more important things then teen stalking. Yet, number three on tvnz is 'justin bieber calling selena gomez 100 times a day' shortly followed by 'schools pay out 560k in novopay mistakes' and 'missing fisherman found dead'. Some mexican and some canadian kids having relationship trouble garner more interest? This is why there is a decline in society as of late. The priorities and contentious issues are over-saturated to the point we choose to ignore them, and the only media attention given is splashed on justin biebers latest tampon commercial or whatever. 

This shit needs to be left to trashy tabloid publications, not news websites. And Justin, Carly Rae phoned and wants you to remember the 'maybe' bit. Just saying.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Chris Brown - Gentleman and scholar

Rihanna, beaten so severely that a strange TMZ logo appeared on her face

We hear the stories on a daily basis. Taylor Swift has broken up with someone again. Tom Cruise is a insane alien worshipper. Chris Brown and Rihanna are together after he redecorated her face.

Woah, hold on.

I despise abuse in any form, particularly marital or family violence. It seems that Rihanna severely underestimates her place in this world by continuing to be with Chris Brown. Sources recently indicate that the relationship is going well, with gems such as "He's trying to be a good man this year, and so far he's doing  that." Note the qualifier 'so far'. We're not even a week into 2013 and this source is too scared to even make a bold claim about Rihanna's safety. Sounds good to me.

Some of the wording is also questionable. The insider said that 'Rihanna is keen to have a solid foundation for their romance in order for it to work this time around' going on to say she hopes that she can 'spend every day of January with him in order to cement their relationship.' Foundation? Cement? What does this mean? Is Chris Brown going to propose to Rihanna in an abandoned building site and then will clobber her with a cinder block to celebrate?

Friday, January 4, 2013

High risk for suicidal Sky Tower jumper


The tower in question, likely prompting questions into the casinos effects on the mental wellbeing of its patrons

It is a fine, sunny day in New Zealand - hijacked by the man atop the Sky Tower, threatening to commit suicide. Naturally this prompts many questions. Like, how the hell did he access an area suitable for jumping off of?

This hasn't dispelled the New Zealand spirit. Plenty of our number are gathered around the tower, wondering if they'll end up on tv while the man in orange is contemplating one of the most foolishly excessive things to occur on the Sky Tower since AJ Hackett attached a bungy cord and jumped off the side of it. As of 5.05 whilst this column is being typed we've had no update of the mans wellbeing and safety so I'm going to blithely assume he is talked out of it. If for some reason he jumps and I look out of touch/sick in the head all hate mail can be directed to;

John Key
The Beehive
C/O Prime Ministers Office
Wellington

It will be interesting, certainly, *if he survives* what drove him to such a grandiose case of attention-seeking/suicide which is likely causing more Aucklanders similar thoughts when they find out that Federal Street and Victoria Street west are cordoned off. Delicious irony if his attempt is fuelled by the hustle and bustle of the Auckland motorways.

He's not the 12 year old father. Some 14 year old was

Vickie Pollard Chantelle Steadman and her two children child and the childs father one of several young teenagers who not only managed full coitus at the age, but managed to do her when she looks like a stunt double for Grima Wormtongue

It has come to the attention of the media and indeed anyone who has heard the story and couldn't believe it. A 12 year old boy who looks like he's 7 on a good day got some ugly whore pregnant. The world sucked up the story, wondering how far humanity would slide further before the inevitable apocalypse in 2012. The truth, however, was much worse.

She'd been fucking MANY different boys, not just Alfie Patten. Child services got involved and did what any Jeremy-Kyle fan would have been screaming just before the ad break. They did a DNA test with the child and the several (close to five) boys who were obviously not fully cognitively aware of the fact that some wilderbeest wanted to be plowed before she was legal - when the chances of anything coming near her sexually drop 99.99%. 

So does this story have a happy ending? Well, according to Broodmother Chantelle, her mother Penny insisted that her daughter was a virgin before meeting Alfie. This is, of course, nonsense, but you know, look at her and picture what cruel dimension of hell her mother came from.

The United States doesn't seem so bad when these stories come out of the woodwork in the UK. Lets just hope that Jeremy Kyle gets through to them all and tells them to 'stick something on the end of it' - if they're even old enough to read the directions on the Durex box.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Twenty-hurt-een


"Fiscal cliff? I thought we were watching Thelma and Louise on Imax."

Well it's a new year, we've survived another apocalypse and already crashed over the fiscal cliff and yet things seem eerily fine for post-apocalypse wasteland. Oh wait, Obama managed to make a deal with Speaker of the house and leading Republican spray tan addict John Boehner. It seems like the whole time Obama has been in power he's been just about to crash the American economy before he goes to the landlord and asks for a little more time. Mitt Romney already failed (at great expense) the greatest ever eviction of a black family from their home, so I have a feeling Obama will roll with the punches and get the economy looking a little nicer.

In other news, racy details about a woman in India who was gang-raped on a bus (bangbus.com subscriptions likely plummeted this month) and beaten and then thrown off unceremoniously until she died has also been causing quite a stir. India has the greatest growing population in the world, I'm just hoping that the major statistical cause does not turn out to be 'forced sex by a group of men'. I'm sure the degenerate scum involved remind us all of that one indian guy in town, hitting on all the heavily intoxicated females and offering them dowry obtained from the closest Supre. For everyones sake, stop being such creepy sleazes and try and find a partner the traditional way. And by traditional way do NOT look to MTV shows for inspiration. Teen Mom and Jersey Shore are teaching you how NOT to do it.

So 2013, welcome. We're sure you'll be absolutely loaded with interesting tidbits and exciting changes. You're not off to a good start, though. Let's just hope you're a quick learner.